“Does the coronavirus cause me to fear?” it is a question I’ve been asked a lot lately. I would be lying if I said no, but saying yes doesn’t quite line up either. Everyday I get up and look at fear in the mirror. My face and my body remind me that things change quickly and you never know what can happen. Being diagnosed with cancer, especially stage 4 cancer, was never on my fear radar, yet here I am. Every night I go to bed and it whispers in my ear of all the things that could happen with my health, and now even more so with cv19 and the cancer I have in both lungs. But here’s the thing, fear is a liar.

I’m not for one-second saying fear is not convincing, it most definitely is. For a long time I didn’t recognize it as fear. It was kind of a wolf in sheep’s clothing situation and it would cause me to spiral low as it told me all kinds of things about who I am and what could happen. I lived out of my fear and for a time it was even somewhat motivating, but it was exhausting and life stealing.

This past year my thinking has slowly changed, and therefore my life has changed. After I moved back to IL I started seeing a counselor at my church for biblical counseling. For the past few years I went to a counselor specifically for cancer and then, later, a Christian counselor. Both allowed my to talk as much as I wanted, say the deep dark things I was afraid of regarding my sickness and share the regrets I have, but inside I didn’t really feel any better. None of them were able to help me at the heart level, and quite frankly that is fair because I don’t think it is their practice to do so. In biblical counseling, it is far less about me and much more about who God is—it’s a change in perspective from me to Him. And this change is everything.

Some days I can see the changes in my heart so clearly, other days I wonder if I’ve even changed very much at all. Then God kindly reminds me that it really isn’t about me changing enough to become good enough for Him. Even when I can’t stand myself for one more second His word tells me about what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross, and THAT is what changes everything.

“I don’t know the end or tomorrow’s story but I have found the one that gives me rest

And I will make my bed in His promises, for He holds true when nothing’s left”

~Time, by Jon Lucas

So back to the original question, am I fearful with everything that is going on? Yes. But I have found The One who gives me rest. I will never know what tomorrow brings, but I know who to run to with every fear I have, even if I have to do it 10x a day or 50x an hour. Jesus covers me and my hope for eternity is in Him. That doesn’t mean that I won’t get the virus (or something else) and it doesn’t mean that I will be healed of cancer in this life, but I believe that we have a kind, loving God who knows every hair on our heads and every fear we have and His promises are true.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

“Oh God be our hope in the middle of the drought, and the flood
Grant us not wealth nor too little so we remember you're in our blood

Teach us to plant in our sorrows and trust the rain will come

Teach us to lie down in peace and rest when the day is done”

~When the Well Runs Dry, by Liv Douglas and Jon Lucas

Hearing these song lyrics feels like the prayer my heart has been singing but couldn’t find the words for… God is more than enough, in scary times and in peaceful times. He is the author and creator of my life and he knows all the days accounted for me (Psalm 139:16). This time is important; I can let fear steal it, or I can trust God by planting in the hard time, then resting and trusting He will grow something very much alive in Him in His time.

Thankful. For Him and for you