My View From the Chemo Chair

I used to think that when people had a major, undesirable life change they automatically got the right thinking and a clear perspective. Like somehow you wake up with a pillowcase over your head and it is yanked off to reveal you are in a real life nightmare. You are at some sort of terrible party you'd been forced to go to against your will, and new found clarity about life is the door prize. All of the sudden your superpower is seeing what really matters--only the truly important things--and you are able to love everyone better and forgive anyone anything, immediately. In that single, life-changing, moment you become the very best version of yourself you've always wanted to be. False. Wrong. Incorrect-o. WILD LIES. And if someone tells you they didn't, or don't still wrestle through the difficulties, RUN AWAY. Or, on second though, maybe I'll have what they're having!

I've been in and out of chemo chairs lately, this time since November 2018. Exactly 2 days after my carefully poured over post on David and Goliath I found myself under the bright lights of the trauma room in the ER at 2am because of heart issues. Life is funny like that, isn't it? I went on to have a wild October in and out of the hospital, undergoing all the tests and gathering all the bad reports. We found out my cancer had spread to more organs. We were all in rough shape, to say the least. From October to March my family, friends and church took turns coming to stay with me and helping with everything pretty much back to back. It became clear this was not sustainable and that it was time for me to move back home from Wisconsin to Central Illinois, where I grew up. My doctor is now in Peoria IL and my current treatment is once per week, with a break every 3rd week. There are good days, bad days and days in between. I'm told they are all part of the journey, but I will admit that this is not the one I would have chosen given the option at the journey store. No one would. 

Most of the time I can't see the direct reasons why people have to go through so much suffering in this life, but I also believe that Jesus went through more suffering for me than I could possibly endure. I believe there is a lot to learn in suffering and it is for our good, but still don't like it. I so often get stuck thinking I have such lovely ideas about how my life should go, but my view only includes ONE perspective, mine. I believe God is changing my heart little by little to be more like Jesus. I also trust he knows the best way to do that because his view includes ALL the perspectives. But I admit trusting God is not what I instinctively want to do--I want to trust ME (not the Taylor Swift song). I clinch my fists so tightly my fingernails dig into my palms so that I can control everything, hoping I can beat the odds with my "perfect" actions and stay on this earth a long, long time. But the longer I am given the privilege of this "inevitable adventure", called life (Andrew Peterson, https://rabbitroom.com/2013/01/youll-find-your-way-a-letter-and-a-video/), the more I realize I am wasting my focus during the life I have been given trying muscle the outcome I want. For a very long time, even before cancer, I exhausted myself physically and emotionally trying to drink deeply from what was actually just a desert mirage. I will never be able to muscle anything enough, ever. But Jesus did. And I am thankful for God's mercy and grace and promises.
John 15: 4-5, 4Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  5I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

My view from the chemo chair today reminded me that the glory I see from the window wouldn't be any more beautiful if I didn't have cancer. I don't need to be on a mountain top to be awed by it. The beauty of God's creation is not affected or altered by our circumstances. It's there for all of us to see no matter what season we are in, however rich, poor, tired, sad, happy, satisfied or unsatisfied we may be. God knows every blade of grass in that yard and every leaf on the tree, he shaped every cloud in the sky, and he even knows every tick (barf) in that tall waving grass. So I am comforted that he sees me, right there in that chair, often uncertain, teetering towards fear and still at times overwhelmed by all of this. He hears me pray for faith, strength and courage, and thank him for my eternal hope in Jesus. I also believe he wants me to know I am deeply loved, feel his comfort and trust in his goodness and promises.

The days of summer march on and the enchanting fireflies have come out to brighten my night sky. I can see the stars from where I live for the first time in years--such gifts. Things can change quickly sometimes, but I can report that I feel stronger physically than I felt in March. I want ALL the days God has allotted for me, and I truly hope that there are many! 

Here's a link to the song I listened to over and over today:

https://youtu.be/DR9EIUXEe9Y