Hi friends. How is everyone? I am sorry I have been missing for most of 2015. You know how people say irritating, undefinable statements like "everything happens for a reason", "it is what it is" and "it's different for everyone" and you want to punch them in face because that really doesn't answer anything? Well that has been my entire year. And I now also realize that they are entirely true. I have heard the statement "it is different for everyone" a bazillion times this year from friends and all my doctors and nurses. I have hated this statement so much because it doesn't at all prepare me for what to expect, but I have finally accepted that it is so deeply true.
I have had so much love and support from all of you since I was diagnosed 1 year ago, today, and I am so, so thankful. I realized you may not know this since most of you haven't heard much from me along the way. I stopped writing when I started chemo. It was like I just couldn't find words. Words just felt empty. The truth is, I was trapped under a very large and heavy shame rock. Sounds weird, right? Yeah, it felt weird. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on and why I felt this way. The reality is, I felt really scared, weak (both physically and emotionally), guilty, vulnerable and exposed. I wasn't positive and did not have brave or strong feelings or things to say so I said nothing at all. Which turned into a spiral because then I felt bad for not communicating. I never would have guessed I would have responded this way, but proven once again to be painfully true, "it's different for everyone"
So with this post I would just like to apologize, say a very heart felt thank you to my friends and family and send a long over due update.
Chemo was every other week starting in April and ending mid-July. It was hard. Losing my hair wasn't actually that bad. Having a port in my chest, losing my eye brows, eye lashes and feeling like a swollen, disfigured lunatic, due to the steroids, were the parts I struggled with. Thankfully chemo is over. I had reconstruction surgery September 10th and they also removed the port. My parents and sisters have been an invaluable part of my surgery recoveries and each round of chemo.
I started Radiation on November 2nd (thank you Jenni Zook for helping me with that decision and being my friend since the halls of Eureka Middle School. And all my EMS/EHS friends for still being so supportive after all these years and in spite of that time in 8th grade when the blood vessel burst in my eye and I looked like a monster). I go to Froedtert Hospital every day, Monday-Friday, for treatment--it is basically like ground hog day, the movie. I have 2 weeks left of the 5 week treatment regimen. It is going as well as it can, I think. The side effects are mostly tiredness and skin irritation. For a claustrophobic person, such as myself, one of the worst parts is being strapped to the table with an ungodly chin strap for each treatment as the table digs into my head and I count to 10 on repeated and remind myself that a person can handle anything for 10 seconds, while listening to country music songs about bars, trucks and pretty girls and think about how similar our lives are. And by similar, I mean polar opposite.
Anyway... You may be asking what's next? How do we know if treatment worked? Well, we don't. Which is a hard thing to wrap my head around. Next, I will be watched like a hawk by my doctors for the next 5 years and they will also want me to take a pill everyday to block estrogen. I am now working to rebuild strength, stamina and emotions so I can return to work hopefully in early 2016.
So on the anniversary of my diagnosis I am looking out at the first snow fall of the year with my cat, Boo Radley, thinking about the past year. So much has changed, and still changing. God is doing something with all of this. I don't know what, but I feel it. I have so much less control than I could have ever realized. I am learning to let go and replace my clenched fists with open palms. It has been a long and painful year. You all were with me through it even if you didn't realize it. Thank you.
