North Star, lost then found.

For quite awhile I've been feeling pretty lost in life. I know I'm not actually lost, and I feel like I am finally starting to find my way, but when the contents of your life gets dumped out like an old diorama, it's not easy to find your North Star.

When I was diagnosed back in 2014 my world collapsed. It felt like Godzilla came along and brought his BFF, Destruction, for an old fashion hay day. At the time I really wasn't able to confront the giant lizard, so I hid in a back alley with my head down waiting desperately for the day it would be "over". That went on for about a year and half. When I thought the dust had settled enough to return to my life and try to put everything back together, it was a lot harder than I imagined. The pieces didn't fit the way they used to, and for all my efforts and tears, I still couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I figured I'd wait it out and eventually I'd find a new North Star that would look really similar to my old one, with maybe a few reasonable adjustments. But then, when I found out the cancer had spread, life came to a screeching halt. Finding a new North Star was not even on the radar for many months while I lived in somewhat of a crisis mode. Since my last surgery, in late July, things have calmed down enough for me look up and wonder which star/path is mine to follow, and realize it will never look anything like my old star.

With that wonder has come questions. The big ones. Like: What do you want to do with the time you have here? What do you want to leave behind? What have you done with all the time you've already been given? What do you want to say to others? To anyone who may want to listen? To life? And of course, is anyone I know prepared to love my cats as much as I do??? Probably not, so I should probably stick around for as long as possible.  And while I'm at it, try to explore the answers to some of the previous questions.

During my search for some of these answers I went to an art fair last month with some dear friends. I saw 2 pieces of art that struck me immediately. One was of a cat, gigantic like Godzilla, over the city of Milwaukee, and the other was a card with various mountains painted on it and below said the words I have been thinking on ever since, "Be Kind, Be Brave"; four simple word, two simple questions. I began to ask myself, "What is the kindest thing I can do with the life I have, and what is the bravest thing I can do?". I have landed on an answer to both, at least partially. Simply share.

Find my voice and share it, along with my life and story, with you, and anyone else who wants to listen. Not just the pretty and polished parts, all the parts--or, as much as I can get the courage to share (baby steps).

So far, the answer has been the only part that has felt easy. After these last few years I feel like I lost my voice, and I definitely lost who I thought I was and what I thought I had to contribute. But I want to start contributing again, although it is terrifying. I WANT to share my story, the things I have learned and my life with you. I don't want to hide in the back alley (or really anywhere) anymore. The coping strategy of "hunker down until it blows over" just does not apply anymore. It is a different life in so many ways.

My new North Star is leading me down a different path.

I started my 2 Shots of Valor Facebook page as a central location to share. I honestly have no idea what I am doing, but I'm going for it and we can laugh at my fumbles and misspellings along the way, together. I hope you find it helpful. I hope we both find it encouraging, comforting and healing. And don't worry, there will be plenty of pictures of my cats along the way (give the people what they really want!!).

Thank you for sticking with me through the quiet. I'm still here, and very much alive.
xoxo