When life hands you lemons, get a kitten.

On February 18^th I turned 38, 6 days later I was told I have stage 4 breast cancer. Wait….,WHAT???! Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought, too. Let’s back up…

The week before my birthday I took a short vacation with some friends. I had been traveling non-stop for work and needed a break. When I got home I thought I was coming down with something. I was a little short of breath and coughing here and there, but I did not feel sick. All I wanted for my birthday was couch time.

When the symptoms continued but I was clearly not developing a cold, I went to a Yoga class to “focus on my breath”. I thought the shortness of breath must just be anxiety, but while the stretching felt good there was no improvement in the breathing department.

I was scheduled to fly out again on Wednesday for work, but after talking to my sister Elisabeth (nurse sister) I knew I needed to get checked out prior to flying. She was concerned there may be a clot in my lung, which could be a BIG problem at 35,000 feet. I had an appointment with my counselor at the hospital the next day so I planned to see if she could get me in with someone on short notice. By the time I met with her something was noticeably wrong. I was having a really hard time breathing and major anxiety. I left the appointment early and drove a few blocks to the ER to begin the stabbing and probing to figure out what was wrong with me.

They did x-rays, a CT, blood work, etc. and determined there was fluid all around my right lung; so basically I was only breathing with one lung for the last few days. Great. The anxiety made a lot more sense now. I was admitted to the hospital that evening. On Wednesday morning they removed the fluid so it could be tested. I’ll spare you the details, but you’ll want to add that to your list of things to avoid if humanly possible.

After sitting in the hospital and getting no information or results for another 36 hours, I finally asked them to release me. I knew they were concerned the cancer had spread and I couldn’t take them looking at me with “sad/poor you, we know something but aren’t telling you faces” any longer. If I had to sit, cry and wait, I wanted to be a home burying my face in my cat’s fur (He really loves the personal space invasion).

The robotic call came Friday morning, February 24^th. I’m sure it was a Doctor on the other end of the line, but I’m guessing wire and screws have long since replaced his insides. I don’t blame him, I’m sure it’s an occupational hazard that comes with giving this type of news. He suggested I move up my 6 month routine check-up scheduled for May 1^st. Seriously? I’m no doctor, but I think that went without saying.

I met with my oncologist the following week as well as a pulmonary doctor for my lung situation. I also returned to the ER to drain the fluid around my lung, again. The week after, they placed a semi-permanent catheter so the fluid could be drained as needed without me having to go into the ER every time. This was helpful, yet very painful and surreal to have a hose coming out the side of my body 24/7. A nurse came to my apartment, daily at first, to drain the fluid. God bless her.

Meanwhile, I got a PET scan, which showed the breast cancer had come back and was now on my right lung and possibly a bone in my tailbone area. The doctor explained that the cells found in the fluid were consistent with the cells found in the original tumor removed in 2015 and were very high in estrogen. What has proven true over and again, is that cancer is confusing, at least to me anyway.

My oncologist gave me her care plan, so I got a second opinion at the University of Chicago. The initial plan included 12 rounds of Taxol Chemo (which I did in 2015), followed by a daily chemo pill, a hormone suppression pill and, ideally, by having my ovaries removed surgically. I said no. Initially. I just needed time to think and breathe. After my 2014 diagnosis I panicked and rushed my decisions, understandably, but I knew I did not want to take that approach again.

After researching and taking into consideration both doctor’s opinions I decided I would do the daily chemo pill and the hormone suppressing pill along with a monthly shot to shut down my ovaries until I could process and research more. At that time I said no to the 12 rounds of Taxol. The treatments I agreed to started in April.

Most of the decisions I have made regarding all things cancer have been really hard. Grueling even. But within 24 hours of being re-diagnosed there were 2 things I knew I 100% wanted to do:

1. Get my reconstruction implants removed from the double mastectomy in 2015 (the major discomfort, complications, etc. over the past 2 years was no longer worth it),

2. Adopt a kitten (because baby animals make everything better. It’s science).

March 12^th A.W. Tozer came to live with Boo Radley and me.

April 13^th I had the removal surgery.

After a long process healing from surgery, the last couple months have been better. With treatment, the fluid around the lung slowed to a more “normal”/manageable amount after about 3-4 weeks. In early May the lung doctor decided we could go ahead and remove the catheter he placed back in March, and so far all is well. I never imagined being free of tubes coming out of my body would be anywhere on my gratitude list, but it is now up near the top.

Currently, I’m feeling pretty well. They continue to monitor my blood work monthly, as well as monthly shots and meeting with my oncologist. The daily chemo pill makes my white count a bit low so I am not able to keep up with my work travel schedule. Short-term disability and family and friends’ contributions help so much. I have another PET scan scheduled for July 24^th, so I will know more when I meet with the doctor in early August.

Honestly, when I first heard the words “Stage 4” it FELT like a death sentence—but I KNOW now that is not necessarily the case.

The last few months I have spent more time with my family, friends and cats, which has been a gift. I am also working, via phone, with an integrative doctor out of Memphis, TN, and he is very encouraging. I know there are more difficult decisions to be made, but I will huff some essential oils and cross that road when and if the time comes.

I believe that God is with me every step, through the good days and the bad days, tears, anger, laugher, etc., and He loves me even more than I love my cats (if that’s even possible…). The fact that He doesn’t change, even though everything else feels like it has, somehow makes me feel better and have more stability.

Thank you for reading this and for caring about me. I know this isn’t the fun thing to read. Thank you for your prayers and/or thinking of me.

xoxo